I became an uncle before I turned eight years old. My older half-sister was 14-1/2 years older than me. She had her first child at 22. That baby girl was born a week and a half before my 8th birthday. I remember the following summer visiting my sister and my brother in law and my niece. My older brother and I were enthralled with this baby. We just enjoyed being around her. We moved that summer to the same area, so we saw all of them more. A couple of years later my sister had her second child, a son, and the process repeated. Over time, going to my niece's cheer-leading competitions and my nephew's football games became part of my extended family experience.
Fast forward. As I was getting near the end of my undergraduate years at college, my niece was entering high school. And she was more interested in being popular than being a good student. My brother in law said to me: "Mark, could you take Kimberly out to McDonald's, and talk to her about what you have just gone through over the last four years, and how important high school is. I never went to a four-year college, and I have a good job, but today, I could not get this job without a four-year degree, and Kim needs to understand how important these year are." He said Kim would not listen to him, because she viewed him as the "Square Parent", but she saw me and my older brother as the "Cool Uncles." I think that is always true of the oldest sibling's children's relationship with the youngest siblings of their parents. Since that time, I gained two more nephews, my sister's last child, and my brother's second child.
But what I mean by the "Cool Uncle" concept is often times a child will see other adults as different than their own parents. It does not have to be a biological uncle or aunt. How many times does a parent hear their child say their friends' parents are cooler than them?
Decades later my brother and his son were at my home in suburban Atlanta. My brother's son was a drummer like his dad, and I wanted to share something with him. I was a huge fan of Genesis and Phil Collins, and in the 2007 Genesis concert film "When in Rome" Phil Collins and additional drummer Chester Thompson do a drum duet called "Conversations With 2 Stools", where they both start drumming on bar stools, then move to their respective drum kits. I put the DVD in, and showed it to him on our large screen basement TV. He was enthralled and impressed. He loved it. It was connection across generations, but within family. That is something uncles do. We don't have the pressure of parents to engage in every interest, so we can pick and choose. It makes us the "Cool Uncles." Unfortunately my brother's son passed away in 2022.
Fast forward again. I decided to volunteer in my church's middle school ministry starting in June 2023. It felt natural and normal to be around a bunch of 11 and 12 year-old boys because I had done that as an uncle many times. About four months later, as I had gotten to know these boys through Sunday meetings and through a late August weekend out of town camp, I was talking to one father. I said to him "It's like I suddenly go 14 new nephews." And he looked at me like I was an alien who just landed and said "Take me to your leader." He didn't get the analogy. But to me it was the perfect analogy. If these parents, these members of my church, were my brothers and sisters in Christ, then wouldn't their sons be my nephews in Christ? In other words, shouldn't I consider them as important as my genetic nephews? Well, I think I should, and I have. My nephews are/were nothing like me. And most of these boys in my middle school group are nothing like me. But it does not mean I do not like them. We should appreciate and be endeared to those who excel areas we do not, especially if we have a close familial or friendship connection.
Which brings up what got me thinking about this topic. For centuries, Christians have debated the Apostle John's use of "agape" and "phileo" in his Gospel. I have been digging into that lately. The most common interpretation is "agape" superior to "phileo", because "agape" is unconditional, and "phileo" is based on familiarity. "Agape" is everlasting, while "phileo" can end. But in the moment, as human beings, "phileo" feels permanent, and at the human level is more emotional. If you saw someone you didn't know in trouble, such as someone drowning in a swimming pool, you would try to help them. That is charitable unconditional love, in other words "agape." And if you saw someone who was not trying to help them, you would think there was something wrong with them, either they are in a frozen panic, or they lack charity. But if some random stranger asked you for come and help him move furniture, you probably would decline. Why? Why would risk your life for a stranger, but not help them move furniture, when you would do that for a friend? Let's consider "agape" is unconditional charitable love that is not earned but given, and "phileo" is that I would run through a brick wall for you because you have been such a great friend for me. Maybe "agape" grows to "phileo" as we get to know someone personally. But also realize John was writing in Greek, but any words said by Jesus or others in his Gospel were said in Aramaic. Aramaic has multiple words that can mean love, but it is more likely John is providing context, perhaps based on the tone. I would also point out, each of the two times Jesus asks Peter if he "agapes" Him, Peter answers "yes" before saying more. It might be that Peter is saying "Yes, I love you as my God, but I also love you as my brother."
I say this because as a new middle school group leader, they tell us "love you students." And they mean that in the Christian form of love. Love your neighbor. Love your enemy. Love each other. And I did. But over the course of the first several months, something happened. Something very similar to what happened with my nieces and nephews. The more I got to know these students, the more they became real, individual people to me, the more I liked them for who they were. And the more I loved them. By December, I was trying to schedule a lunch meeting with my church's middle school groups director, but that meeting got pushed to January. I told my groups director "You didn't warn me." He gave me a quizzical look. Then I said: "You didn't warn me I was going to fall in love with these boys." And my groups director gave me the biggest smile. I then literally gushed about each and every boy. What made them special. What endeared them to me. Later I told a parent: "I focus on what is good in your son. I know you are handling what is negative, discipline, etc. I leave that to you except where something immediately needs action, and trust me, I will immediately inform you. But I want to foster the good in your son." That seems to have worked so far. This is exactly the approach I have had with my Earthly nephews. Mainly focused on positive, leave the correction to the parents, except if something comes up where the parents aren't around.
But back to the "phileo", the brotherly love. As a middle school leader in church, you can't escape the experience at a fall camp or winter retreat on a Saturday night when you are singing a deeply emotional worship song and everyone is locked up should to shoulder, and you just feel the "hugging and swaying" as you sing together. There is a connection, rarely felt, when you are on the same sheet of music. These are the most emotional experiences I have had in church. You rarely feel this kind of emotional connection to people outside of your family, except for your closest friends. I feel it with my best friend, but I love him with "phileo." I would run into the fire with him. I see his wife as my sister, and his children as my nephew and niece. And yes, I love the boys in my middle school group with "phileo", because their parents seem like my brothers and sisters, I see them as family, and I consider them my nephews. And like a smoke jumper, I will jump into their fire.
"I wanna face that fire
"It won't burn me though
"God's got my back Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego"
"That's Who I Praise" - Brandon Lake
Those moments are special. They are deep. They open up serious conversations. They are profound. They are life-changing. I still think back to the one at our winter weekend retreat in February 2024. When a 12 year old student was able to stop a then 57 year old leader from losing it completely emotionally with a simple tug, a side hug, a non-verbal message that said "I fell you are struggling, I've got you." I think back to working event crew at Frequency 2023 which was perhaps the most emotional thing I ever witnessed in church, and I think back to Frequency 2024 when the power went out and hundreds of 7th and 8th graders kept singing a cappella.
The coda to this is yesterday I got to meet my sixth great-nephew. The first child of my brother's daughter, who was his first child, and who is my brother's first grandchild. As my wife Mandy pointed out, "Mark loves babies." It was such joy to hold a six week old infant. As a "boy dad", it flooded back memories. As a leader of young men, it gave me hope and motivation. As I told my current middle school group director earlier today, mentoring young men is something I have been doing a long time, over 30 years. It started when I was a young officer in the Air Force. I had forgotten it, to my detriment. It took a while for me to figure that out, and understand it was what I was made to do. I got distracted by personal and ego driven desires,. I allowed my ego to craft my identity. But God found a way to re-center me. And return my identity to being a mentor. And I firmly believe that re-centering happened because I volunteered in my church's middle school ministry, which re-stimulated my mentoring gene. Had I not, I might have continued down a dark path. All through the wisdom of a bunch of 12, now 13 year-olds, to whom, I am such a "Cool Uncle" they don't even self-censor around me. The "boy humor" they would never say when their dad or a teacher or a coach is around, they will say. Which is a good thing because sometimes they need some timely advice, such as "Guys, that's not appropriate humor." But I also get to share some amazing moments with them. There is nothing better than sitting down across from a 13 year-old and praising the for doing Kingdom work. It is even more amazing when that 13 year-old is doing more to advance the Kingdom than you are. This boy persistently invited his unchurched football teammate and friend to our Sunday morning sessions, and to our winter weekend retreat, and would not take "no" for an answer. A that weekend retreat, on Saturday, that friend accepted Jesus. Wait, what? Does that really happen at a winter weekend retreat? All I know is what I witnessed with my own eyes.
Sunday morning, me, to the 13 year-old boy: "Do you realize the impact you have made?
13 year-old boy (in the most satisfied tone): "Yeah."
And that is when you, as a 58 year old leader of a group of middle school boys realize you have lost control of these boys and they are now embodying the Great Commission and are doing the very work you signed up to do. What do you say then?
You say: "Yeah." In the most satisfied tone.
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